3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
