I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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