How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
