I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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