my mouth tastes like poor choices
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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