You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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