i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
