My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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