3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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