I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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