I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
