oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
