just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
someone owes me an orgasm
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
