Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
