I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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