Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
