it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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