I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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