she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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