My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just come out here and I will go home with you...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
