he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
why do cheetos always look like penises
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
