what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
