Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
