Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Houston, we have a squirter
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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