I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
