did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
