keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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