Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
