The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
