no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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