she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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