Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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