I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
