when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
