My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
