I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
