I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
