i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
