I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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