I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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