I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
