You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
