He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
