Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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