coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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