She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
