While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
