I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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