Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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