When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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